


In a Mess of Lawyers and Empty Beds

by Fernon



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Divorce, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marriage, Panic Attacks, Why Did I Write This?, this is fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 21:31:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20477789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fernon/pseuds/Fernon
Summary: Ten years of love, of promises, of marriage, down the drain with four words.What Sangyeon can't figure out, is why.





	In a Mess of Lawyers and Empty Beds

**Author's Note:**

> Okay most of my inspiration for this fic came from the song Ditmas by Mumford & Sons, because I've really been feeling their music lately. There are a few parts in which I turned a line or two from their song into dialogue, and if you're looking to listen to something while reading this, I highly recommend the album Wilder Mind from Mumford & Sons. I listened to it while I wrote it and I think it helps with the emotions of the story. 
> 
> Enjoy!

He’s not sure where they went wrong, he and Juyeon. Sangyeon loved Juyeon with everything he had, he cooked dinner every night after work, he gave Juyeon massages every night, they went on vacations every year, and they had great (if not sometimes experimental) sex. Sangyeon thought things were fine, until Juyeon sat him on the couch two months ago and told him flat out:

_ “I want a divorce.” _

Sangyeon didn’t protest, fighting would be futile, and Sangyeon hates confrontation. So he agreed. Even though he felt his whole world was crashing down on him. Things changed, Sangyeon had no real idea how things would work now, now that Juyeon wanted a separation. That night, Sangyeon had stumbled into the bedroom after he had brushed his teeth, unsure of whether or not they’d be able to share a bed.

Juyeon had asked him if he minded taking the bed in the spare room. 

So Sangyeon did. He took his pillow and his pajamas and moved into the spare room. And he didn’t quite cry, perhaps it was shock, perhaps it just hadn’t hit him. Their occasional spat left him in the spare room sometimes, so it wasn’t unfamiliar. 

What was unfamiliar was that Juyeon didn’t come in and slip between Sangyeon’s arms in the night, like he did when they fought. Juyeon was gone for work by the time Sangyeon got up, even though they didn’t leave for work until about the same time. Sangyeon saw the pile of paperwork on the kitchen table, and the slew of divorce lawyers written down on a notepad. Juyeon told him to choose one, in the note that he had written beneath the list.

Sangyeon slides into his normal kitchen chair and stares at the papers. Tax forms, generic contract forms for who gets what, printed off question sheets from the internet about ‘how divorce works’ and ‘what to do when you’re getting a divorce.’

Sangyeon goes to work. Sangyeon comes home. Sangyeon cooks dinner for the two of them. Juyeon never comes home. Sangyeon sleeps in their bed, and he cries. He’s not sure why he’s crying. He’s not sure why he’s getting divorced, either. He tries texting Juyeon. He gets a brusk answer, saying he’s staying at Kevin’s for the night. 

It takes Sangyeon a week before he manages to catch Juyeon sneaking in or out of the house for clean clothes, or a file for work. “What’s going on with us, buttercup?” Sangyeon asks, his voice quiet and the nickname slipping from his lips before he can stop it. 

“We’re getting divorced, Sangyeon. That’s it.” Juyeon spits rather harshly. “Don’t call me that anymore.”

Sangyeon blinks, a bit shocked at his tone. “What did I do? Why are we getting a divorce? I thought we had a happy marriage, I thought- I thought we were okay. We don’t fight, we’re not facing financial crises, I don’t drink or do drugs, I don’t hurt you… What’s this about?”

“You’ve changed, Sangyeon,” is all Juyeon says before he’s gone again. 

Sangyeon stares himself in the mirror again, just like he did that night. What had changed? He hadn’t gone to the gym much lately, his cheeks were more round, and he wasn’t so muscular anymore. Okay, so he was a little pudgy. But Juyeon never cared how Sangyeon looked. Sangyeon hadn’t neglected Juyeon- he took him out to dinner all the time, he kissed him every day before he left for work.

Sangyeon dressed differently. He wasn’t 19 anymore, like he had been when they’d first met at Juyeon’s family’s mechanic shop, when his motorcycle had broken down. He’d stopped wearing those stupid leather jackets and biker boots when he was 26. He was 32 now, wearing biker boots and leather jackets just seemed immature. He’d even sold the bike so he could buy that old sports car for Juyeon, the old one he’d had Juyeon’s family help him fix up. The sports car that  _ Juyeon _ had been dreaming of owning for years. 

Sangyeon wasn’t as wild anymore. He didn’t like going out and drinking every Friday night with his and Juyeon’s friends. He’d prefer to save that money for vacations, and drinking so much so often made Sangyeon feel unwell. Juyeon still went, but Sangyeon only went once a month, usually. Sangyeon stares at the plan for their potential trip to Hawaii. Sangyeon needed to call and ask for a refund now, and cancel that time off work. He needed money to pay his stupid divorce lawyer. 

But Sangyeon couldn’t bring himself to do it. Knowing that it was over, and he didn’t even know why, it hurt more.

Sangyeon still does Juyeon’s laundry, the wrinkled button downs and slacks from his duffle bags and two days of sleeping elsewhere, whether in a hotel or at his mom’s, or at a friend’s. Sangyeon pretends not to smell another man’s cologne, he pretends that he doesn’t find a purple hair on the lapel of his jacket. He pretends not to see the lip color on Juyeon’s collar. He pretends he doesn’t smell the familiar stench of sex on Juyeon’s pajamas, or the unfamiliar cologne on his shirts. 

Sangyeon goes out when Jacob invites him. 

“Juyeon… How is he?” Sangyeon asks. After all, he had stayed at Jacob and Kevin’s house since the divorce was asked for. 

“He’s… been better.” Jacob nods and then changes the subject. Jacob was lying and Sangyeon knew it. 

“Who is he?” Sangyeon cuts Jacob off. 

“What?”

“Who is he, Jacob? I’m not stupid, he still- I still do his fucking laundry…” Sangyeon scrubs his face. 

Jacob sighs, catching on. “His name is Chanhee. He’s a purple haired pixie of a guy in a rock band. Sangyeon I’m so sorry…” Jacob reaches over and pats his best friend’s hand. Sangyeon shakes his head. 

“Where did I go wrong, Jacob?” Sangyeon finds his voice won’t go above a whisper, and the tears are welling up. 

“I don’t know, Sangyeon. I really don’t know.”

Sangyeon cries that night, for the first time since Juyeon had requested a divorce. Sangyeon is scraping together money for the mortgage, the cars, the water bill, the electric bill, the gas bill. And now a lawyer. A divorce lawyer. Juyeon was the breadwinner between the two of them, having some high-paying job in the city. Sangyeon worked at a preschool, just a teacher. Needless to say, Sangyeon didn’t make much. But Juyeon never cared. Money wasn’t a problem to him. 

Sangyeon crawls into their bed- his bed, now, since Juyeon is never home- and sobs. He thinks about the finely pressed suits in the back of his closet, the ones in hanger bags, that he and Juyeon had worn on their wedding day. The happiest day of Sangyeon’s life. 

Little did he know that happiness would be ruined by an out of the blue mystery divorce and a purple haired tart of a man that was in a fucking rock band. Sangyeon gave everything for Juyeon, and Juyeon was more than willing to throw it away. Sangyeon chokes on a sob. Does Juyeon even regret anything? Does he feel any hurt over the fact that he’s breaking a promise he’d made almost ten years ago?

Sangyeon feels his world crumbling around him. He knows for a fact that Juyeon loved him. At least he did once. But how long had he been pretending? How long had he spent falling out of love with Sangyeon? Where did Sangyeon go wrong?

Eventually, the process begins, about three weeks later. Sangyeon selects a lawyer. Juyeon schedules the first meeting. Sangyeon puts on a button up and slacks, and heads to his lawyer’s office. Juyeon is there already, with a tall man. Kim Younghoon, Juyeon had told him. Sangyeon’s own lawyer was a decent, but rather cheap one. He was young, for a lawyer, but successful in his last six cases.

“Heo Hyunjoon,” he introduces himself to Juyeon and Younghoon. They both greet him, and Sangyeon sits in the chair beside Hyunjoon, diagonal from Juyeon. Sangyeon doesn’t look up, he stares down at his hands in his lap, not wanting to look at his husband- or rather ex husband, Sangyeon supposes. 

“Lets begin the negotiations. Legally, you each get half of everything. We’ll need a list of each of your assets- houses, cars, furniture, tech gear, etcetera,” Younghoon begins. 

“He can have whatever he wants.” Sangyeon says, staring down at his lap. 

“Sangyeon-” Hyunjoon begins. 

“I don’t want to make a big deal. I don’t really see why we need lawyers to figure this out, Juyeon.” Sangyeon finally looks up at Juyeon, who’s staring at him with cold, unforgiving eyes. Not his usual warm and sparkling ones. “We both know I can’t afford the house myself. Take it. Take the car too, the Charger.”

“Sangyeon we need lawyers for other things too. Changing the mortgage payment to someone else’s name. Billing for the cars. It’s not as easy as you think.” His tone is harsh. Sangyeon shivers. When did Juyeon become so cold?

“I don’t care. Change whatever you want. Like I said. I’ll bring documentation of the car payments and contracts, I’ll bring the mortgage bills in, whatever. I don’t care.” Sangyeon stands and walks out, and he can hear Hyunjoon sigh, and a chair scraping. 

“Why are you being so immature about this, Sangyeon?” Juyeon is standing in front of him. Sangyeon shakes his head. “Seriously, I’m trying to give you your space, and I’ve given you three months to get your shit together to hire a lawyer. I’m being giving here, and you’ve taken, and now you’re not- you’re not returning the favor. You’re not helping the situation any. You’re being difficult, and stubborn-”

“Maybe it’s because I don’t have answers, Juyeon! You haven’t told me  _ why _ we’re going through all this in the first place!” Sangyeon doesn’t mean to raise his voice but he does, emotion overcoming him. 

“I told you why, Sangyeon. You’ve changed.” Juyeon says again. 

“How have I changed? This is all I am, all I ever was! This is who I was all those years ago,” Sangyeon shakes his head. “I don’t understand, Juyeon. When did you stop loving me?”

Something flickers in Juyeon’s eyes, some agonizing mix of sadness, regret, pity, panic and hurt. His face registers those feelings, a frown and a furrow of brows, but then he blinks and his face is stone cold again, no emotion. “Sangyeon, you’re being dramatic.”

“I just want to know, Juyeon. How am I losing you?”

Juyeon sighs and shakes his head, walking back into the office with a harsh close of the door. Sangyeon just leans against the wall and slides down it, his head in his hands. Confusion swirls in his mind in a fog, and confliction eats at his conscious. He wanted more than anything to blame Juyeon, to believe that Juyeon was the bad guy in all of this, but maybe Sangyeon had been at fault, maybe he didn’t love enough, maybe he wasn’t who he thought he was. 

“Sangyeon, are you alright?” It’s Hyunjoon, and he’s patting Sangyeon’s shoulder gently.

“I don’t even know what I did wrong, he won’t tell me why he wants this divorce.” Sangyeon mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. “How am I supposed to deal with this- this shit, when- when I don’t even know why it’s happening?”``

Their next meeting is three weeks later, four whole months since Juyeon asked for the divorce. He goes to the appointment in the morning, where he and Juyeon give records of car payments and contracts, and mortgage signings, and calculate their assets. Sangyeon doesn’t speak a word to Juyeon, he can’t seem to bring himself to. After the meeting, Sangyeon heads to school for a meeting about the upcoming school year, which begins in a week. When he arrives home, he sees the boxes.

Labeled boxes. 

Sangyeon peers into one of them, and sees Juyeon’s clothes. He peers into a second one and sees a few sets of sheets.

“Sangyeon, what are you doing?” 

Sangyeon jumps about a mile and looks up to see Juyeon holding another box. 

“I thought you were taking the house?” Sangyeon asks weakly.

“I am, but I have plans to sell it. I don’t want to live here. I’ll let you stay, though, for a few months after the divorce is settled. To give you some time to get on your feet.”

Sangyeon can’t believe how  _ nice _ Juyeon is being about this. It seems so wrong, so fake, so unreal, to be this kind still, when he’s ripping Sangyeon’s heart out of his chest and strangling it. He’s breaking their promises to one another, he’s killing Sangyeon, he’s draining him of his life force. He’s sucking every ounce of love that Sangyeon possesses and dumping it amidst the ocean, forever lost to their deep waters. 

“Why? Why are you being this way?” Sangyeon asks, his voice barely a whisper. 

“Like what?”

“So- nice, Juyeon. Why don’t you get mad? Throw me out? You don’t love me, after all. This isn’t- this isn’t how divorces are supposed to be, you’re supposed to hate me, want nothing to do with me, if I’m so changed, like you say I am.” Sangyeon’s voice cracks on the words ‘hate me’ and tears spill down his cheeks. 

“I can’t be civil?” Juyeon furrows his brows. “Sangyeon you’re being so dramatic over this, it’s just a divorce-”

“Just a divorce?” Sangyeon laughs bitterly. “Juyeon do you even know what marriage means? It’s a promise to someone else to love them, no matter what, no matter the changes they experience, no matter how hard things get. Divorce is breaking all those promises. Divorce is breaking someone’s heart. Divorce is breaking any feelings, any memories you had with or for the other person. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but I guess it makes sense, since I’m the only one between the two of us that’s seeming to have any remorse over this.”

There it is again. The smallest flash of anger, regret, sadness, flashing through Juyeon’s eyes, before his face contorts into anger, and he’s shaking his head and walking out, slamming the front door behind him. Sangyeon sinks to the floor in the kitchen and cries. Loneliness surrounds him, seeping into his bones and making him feel heavy. He doesn’t want this, any of this. What kind of horrible nightmare is he living? 

The one where his lover doesn’t love him anymore.

Another week later, and half of Juyeon’s things are gone, the office room is empty, his drawers empty, his side of the closet empty- save for that hanger bag with his wedding tuxedo in it. Sangyeon can’t bring himself to look at it. Sangyeon can’t bear to spend a moment in the room that used to be theirs, in the bed they used to share. He slips into his work clothes, and heads to school that morning, with his lesson plans in his bag, the little name tags for the new kids in his bag, and the few finishing touches for the classroom with him. 

Sangyeon forgets, for a few hours, about his pain, interacting with bright young minds, who are full of hope and potential, all rays of sunshine in his gloomy life. Sangyeon remembers why he loves teaching so much, why his job means so much to him. Sangyeon is happy, for just a little while, but it doesn’t feel like enough, when he returns home to more boxes, more labels, and more emptiness. 

Sangyeon cooks dinner for two people again, like he has every day for the last four and a half months. The fridge has too many leftovers, and he finally runs out of leftover containers. Sangyeon cleans out the fridge. Sangyeon, grabbing the last container of old food from the fridge, straightens and finds himself face to face with the little calendar on the fridge. It’s still in June, Sangyeon realizes, when September has just begun. He flips through the pages of the calendar until he reaches September, and sees a beach photo for the month, and peers at the dates of the month. 

September 5th, today’s date. 

September 23rd, their tenth wedding anniversary. 

Dizziness hits Sangyeon, and he finds himself staggering to a kitchen chair and slumping into it.

Ten years down the drain. Hopes and dreams, down the drain, promises made and broken, hearts once together now torn apart, bonds destroyed forever. Ten years of memories, ten years of happiness. Gone, with just four words. 

Anger bubbles through Sangyeon’s chest, his blood boiling. He’s got the urge to do something brash, something awful, he wants Juyeon to feel his pain, his anger, his resent. His sadness, his remorse, his self-pity. He wants Juyeon to feel broken, instead of feeling  _ nothing.  _ Sangyeon stands, letting out a cry of rage, as he storms to the room that once belonged to them, and throws open the closet door. There’s the suit, the one from their wedding. He tears the protective bag off it, and yanks it off the hanger, feeling the expensive material in his hands, as he grabs it and throws it in an empty box. He grabs his own, too, and tosses it in. 

Wedding photos. Sangyeon never looked at them, the ones hanging on the walls, the ones in frames on bookshelves. But he does now, taking them right off their places, frames and all, and throwing them into the box with the tuxedos. The CD of their wedding songs, the song of first dance together, tossed aside into the box. The ring on his finger, the one he hadn’t taken off in the whole ten years they were together, the one that gleamed like the promises, hopes, dreams, and bright love they once shared. Into the box. Sangyeon lugs it to the back yard. 

Their wedding photo album. The one that Juyeon had spent almost a year scrapbooking and putting together and perfecting. Sangyeon walks back into the house. He storms to the office, but the shelves are empty. He goes to the living room. Vacation scrapbooks, he tugs off the shelves too, the itinerary for their vacation to Hawaii, the travel information- everything comes off the shelves and into his arms. But no wedding scrapbook. No wedding photo album. 

He takes the armful to the box, and goes back in, checking the guest room for the scrapbook, shelves in their closet, bedside tables. Finally he starts going through boxes, Juyeon’s boxes of stuff, looking for the box. No such luck. 

“Fuck it!” Sangyeon shouts. 

He grabs the lighter from the kitchen drawer, and the bottle of whisky from their little liquor cabinet, and heads for the backyard. The first drops of rain fall, and Sangyeon, with shaking hands, starts trying to tug the top off the bottle, with no luck. Headlights in the driveway make him pause, but he’s finally successful in his pulling the top out, tossing it somewhere in the yard, not caring. He starts splashing it onto the box, drenching the sides of it, watching as the now wet cardboard sags. 

“Sangyeon?! Sangyeon what are you doing?!” It’s Juyeon, calling from the porch, and Jacob is standing beside him, looking confused. 

“Fuck your dreams!” Sangyeon flicks the switch on the lighter, but it doesn’t work. He tries again. Of course he had grabbed the one lighter in the house that didn’t work. He tries again, swearing, ignoring the fact that Juyeon is approaching.

“What’s in the box, Sangyeon?” Juyeon is grabbing the lighter from Sangyeon’s hand, pushing him angrily. 

“Everything. Everything that ever meant something to me. Everything that meant nothing to you,” Sangyeon snarls, blood boiling. “Where’s the fucking wedding album?!”

“What wedding album?” Juyeon looks at him, feigning confusion.

“I’m not fucking stupid, Juyeon, what did you do with it?”

“I don’t have it.”

“I’ve been with you for thirteen fucking years, I can tell when you’re lying to me, Juyeon! Where did you put it?”

“You’re not fucking burning stuff, what the fuck is wrong with you, Sangyeon?!”

“You are, Juyeon!”

“Don’t blame me for your fucking problems, Sangyeon!”

“That’s enough!” Jacob steps between them. “Juyeon, leave. I’ll have Kevin pick me up. Just get out of here.”

Sangyeon watches him go, the rain now drenching the fire in his heart. His knees give out, and his world goes black. He comes to just a few moments later, Jacob sighing and holding Sangyeon up. 

“What Juyeon is doing to you isn’t right. I know- I know things that aren’t my place to tell you, and Juyeon’s reasoning for doing what he is- it’s not right. And yeah, I’m fucking pissed at him, and you have every right to be mad, Sangyeon, but this- this is too far. This wasn’t right. You’re no better than him if you pull stunts like this.” Jacob helps Sangyeon up, grabs the box in one arm and holds Sangyeon up with the other arm.

Sangyeon stares at his bare finger. It’s been a week since that incident, and he’s got two questions in his mind. 

Why was Juyeon doing this, really?

Why did Juyeon take the wedding album?

And everything else from their wedding, for that matter?

Juyeon had come the next day while Sangyeon was gone to work, and the alcohol drenched box disappeared. Guilt and disgust ate away at Sangyeon, for the way he had acted, and the fact that Juyeon hadn’t been around since. Jacob said Juyeon was staying at his parents house now, and Sangyeon felt the overwhelming urge to apologize.

Sangyeon finds himself driving to Juyeon’s parents at 7:37 pm on a Wednesday night. A week after the 5th, September 12th. He stares at the road illuminated by his headlights, and pulls into the all too familiar driveway. Juyeon’s car is in the driveway, but his mom’s car isn’t. Sangyeon walks up to the door, and knocks. 

It’s a few moments before the door opens, revealing Juyeon in just a pair of sweatpants, looking mussed, like when he had just woken up, or after a good round of sex. “Sangyeon.” 

Sangyeon practically feels the walls go up, watches the imaginary hackles on Juyeon’s neck stand up, all his muscles tensing, bracing for an attack- or perhaps bracing to attack.

“I- I hate the way I acted last week. I’m so sorry. I know it- it doesn’t fix- anything, nothing with the- the-  _ y’know _ . But- I was disgusted with my own actions, and- I needed to apologize. It was immature. I’m sorry.” Sangyeon nods. Juyeon blinks, his shoulders untensing just a little, as he drops his guard. 

“Oh. Well. Thanks, I guess.”

“I just- I don’t know what came over me. Vengeance, maybe? I don’t know, I just remember wanting you to feel something. You’re so calm about this, so cool and collected, and I- I’m falling apart.” Sangyeon laughs bitterly. “I just needed to get that off my chest, the guilt was eating me alive. I’m sorry.”

“I-”

“Yeonnie, who’s at the door?” A voice calls, and a young purple haired guy with more piercings in both ears than Sangyeon could count appears beside Juyeon at the door. Sangyeon stares at him. Jacob’s voice saying ‘ _ purple haired pixie of a man in a rock band’  _ plays through Sangyeon’s head as he stares at the short skinny man in a tiny silken bathrobe standing beside his-  _ Sangyeon’s!-  _ husband. Hickies litter his neck, and his purple hair is mussed, sticking up in places. The sudden realization of what Juyeon had just been doing hits Sangyeon like a freight train.

“Sangyeon, it’s not what it looks like-”

“No Juyeon.” Sangyeon shakes his head, backing out of the doorway.. “You’re an adult man, you- you can sleep with whoever you want… Don’t justify it by me.” Sangyeon can feel panic and bile rising from his stomach, his face paling, his hands shaking. 

“Sangyeon, I’m so sorry-” Juyeon reaches for him. Sangyeon sees the flash of Juyeon’s wedding band, and his engagement ring, still perched on his ring finger, and Sangyeon can tell he’s going to be sick. He stumbles backwards and down the front steps, scraping his hands on the concrete, before he scrambles back to his feet. Juyeon calls after him, and tries to follow. Sangyeon runs for the car, not bothering buckling as he peels out of the driveway, the door hardly closed as he throws it in reverse. He makes it three houses down before he pulls over and throws up the contents of his stomach on the side of the road. He sinks against the side of the car and sobs. 

So it’s true. Juyeon had found someone else. Was this why he wanted the divorce? Sangyeon feels his phone ringing, and sees it’s from Juyeon. He ignores it, climbs back into the car, his whole body trembling, and just drives. He finds himself at the old lighthouse, the one he had taken Juyeon to on their first date, for a picnic at the top of the tower. He finds himself climbing the stairs, making footprints in the dust on the staircase. Graffiti covers the cracked cement walls, and Juyeon finds himself on the lookout deck by the lights. 

He stares at the stars, which look dim, and the moon casts a cold, eerie light on his face. Loneliness surrounds him again, seeping into his bones and making him cold, numbing him. Perhaps this was acceptance. Acceptance, unfeeling cold, a composed, harsh feeling deep in his bones, and in his empty chest, where his heart should be.

He remembers the sunlight on their faces, when they were so young, and Sangyeon had convinced Juyeon to skip classes for the day (he was almost 18 when they had met, almost done with high school, and Sangyeon had been a little rebel and skipped his college classes- in fact, Sangyeon had nearly failed out of his first year of college). He had sped around traffic on the motorbike, Juyeon clinging tightly to him, their picnic basket hooked safely to the bike, as Juyeon had smiled brightly, smiled the smile he hadn’t seen in months, while Sangyeon had tugged him through the building. He remembered Juyeon asking if this was trespassing, and Sangyeon had assured him it wasn’t (even if it really was). 

They ate and laughed, and sat together on the lookout deck and watched the water together, until the sun was setting. They kissed, soft and sweet and tender, and at that moment, Sangyeon knew this would be good for him, that it would mean something for a long time. Now the word love seemed fake, and it all felt like a dream, all their happy moments together seemed fake and unreal, and Juyeon was gone. The world had it’s hands around Sangyeon’s throat and was squeezing any happy emotion from his body. Everything had felt colorful once, and now it all just felt gray. He felt like being reckless again, he felt like he needed to do insane shit to feel something once again. Sangyeon stares over the edge. 

Nothing. He felt nothing. 

Sangyeon and Juyeon’s next meeting with the lawyers brings about writing up a contract, and Sangyeon just nods along, agreeing to whatever. He didn’t give a shit anymore, not when Juyeon didn’t give a shit. He doesn’t notice the worried glances Juyeon spares him, the way that Juyeon almost jumps when the meeting is over, to try and talk to Sangyeon. Sangyeon just gives him a forced smile, and thanks him for his time. 

“Sangyeon, wait-” Juyeon grabs his shoulder. “I- I owe you an explanation.”

“No, you don’t, Juyeon. I understand, now. You said I’d changed, and I had. You want- him, that other guy, now. He’s in a rock band, at least that’s what Jacob told me. I saw his biker boots, I saw the leather jacket on the coat rack. He’s the one that can give you what I gave you once, right?” Sangyeon asks him softly. “I understand, Juyeon. You’re a grown man anyways. We’re getting divorced. I get it.”

“Sangyeon, no-” Juyeon looks confused, he looks sad. His chest is heaving, and his eyes look wet, and his face contorts, brows furrowed and a frown on his lips. Sangyeon hit the nail on the head, he was right. 

“I’ll see you at our next meeting, okay?” Sangyeon nods and walks away. 

Sangyeon is packing, when Juyeon shows up at the door, on September 23rd. He’s a mess, his hair hasn’t been brushed, he’s got dark circles under his eyes, and he’d been crying. Sangyeon blinks at the sight of him. “Juyeon?”

“I’m seeing a therapist.” Juyeon blurts, a sigh escaping his body and then his shoulders shudder, like he’s trying not to cry.. 

“Okay…?” Sangyeon is being struck with confusion. This is the worst he’s seen Juyeon since he asked for the divorce a whole five months ago.

“I- I panicked, Sangyeon. This- this whole fucking thing,” Juyeon is sobbing, and no tears are falling, but his breathing is short and stuttery, and he’s  _ trembling _ , and he looks like he might faint. 

“What are you talking about? Juyeon, what’s going on?” Concern floods Sangyeon’s system, the first thing he’s felt in almost two weeks, and it’s over Juyeon, who’s crumbling before him like a castle wall against cannon fire. Sangyeon grabs his arm gently, and guides him inside. “Sit down, take some deep breaths, okay? Breathe in for five and out for five…”

What the hell was going on?

“I can’t go through with the divorce, Sangyeon, I- I was looking at the wedding stuff- that album, the wedding album-” Juyeon’s breathing is still uneven and he sobs. “We were so happy, and we were so in love, and- and I don’t know what I was thinking-”

Anger floods Sangyeon’s system again. “Are you fucking serious, Juyeon?”

“I- I-” Juyeon is choking for air now, and Sangyeon knows the last thing he needs to do is get angry when Juyeon is a babbling mess in front of him. Hell, if Juyeon kept going with this panicked breathing, he’d faint in a moment. Sangyeon turns to grab a glass of water, and starts leading him through breathing exercises. Between his training to be a school teacher and the few nursing classes he’d taken (to boost his credentials and possibilities of being a teacher), he began leading Juyeon through some breathing exercises.

But Juyeon kept trying to talk. Finally, Sangyeon had to tell Juyeon to shut up and follow the breathing before he passed out on him. After a good half an hour of this panicking, Juyeon calms down enough to drink some water. Sangyeon gets him a nice, heavy blanket, and drapes it around his shoulders, for comfort, and security. Juyeon opens his mouth to speak again, but Sangyeon silences him. 

“No, Juyeon. Not yet. Give yourself time to recover, or you’ll just end up panicking again. When did you eat last?” Sangyeon says, seeing it’s almost 8 and he hasn’t had dinner yet. 

“Breakfast this morning…” Juyeon mumbles. 

“Drink your water,” Sangyeon gets out two plates and cooks up two grilled cheese sandwiches, like he used to. And this is quick, since it’s late, and easy to make. He sets the first one that’s done in front of Juyeon.

Once the second one is done, Sangyeon sits at his usual spot at the kitchen table. Juyeon waited to eat his sandwich, because the second Sangyeon is sitting down, Juyeon is digging into it. They eat in silence for a few minutes, before Juyeon breaks it. 

“I have a fear of dying. As in, getting old, and dying.”

“What the fuck are all these weird revelations with you tonight?” Sangyeon doesn’t mean to say that out loud.

“I went to therapy for that. I- I guess this- this divorce thing was a midlife crisis sort of thing- like my response to- to my fear. It- it doesn’t justify what I did, but- but it’s why I’m doing it. I- I shut down, that’s why I seemed so cold, I just- and that’s why Chanhee was a- a thing. He was young, and he reminded me of you, when we were young, and- and it was the worst decision I ever made, I- fuck, Sangyeon, I didn’t even like him, he was a rude self entitled brat, and- it’s over with him, I ended it. I know it doesn’t change what I did, but it was reactionary. And- and you did change, Sangyeon. You grew up, and matured into a wonderful, caring person, and you love so deeply and it’s a little bit terrifying.

“I met Chanhee when I went drinking with Jacob and Kevin and Haknyeon, months ago. He was performing at the bar, and I started talking to him about his music. He reminded me of youth, and he reminded me of being young, and between him and then coming home to you- who cooks dinner for me ever night, who takes me out on dates every two weeks, who plans our vacations together- it was routine, and it was  _ adult _ , and- fuck, Sangyeon, that terrified me. I realized we had grown up, and that we weren’t kids anymore. I realized that I was scared, because I wasn’t ready to change, and- and I panicked. I asked for a divorce. I went to therapy. I hooked up with Chanhee, like a  _ fucking idiot _ . 

“But none of it changed the fact that I love you, Sangyeon. And- and all those times that you said those things, about promises, and the- the burning our marriage stuff, it- oh god, Sangyeon it broke my fucking heart. And the look on your face, you were so confused, and so devastated, and I just- I fucking hated myself, so I acted like a fucking asshole, and- god I hate myself so much for all this. 

“At the meeting the other day, you weren’t wearing your ring, and I found it in that fucking box last night. I had our suits dry cleaned, and the albums were okay since they were in protected covers, and- well the travel information couldn’t be saved, but it’s okay. I just. I wanted to bring the ring to you. And to tell you how incredibly fucking sorry I am for the shit that I pulled. A sorry doesn’t do justice, and I’m still terrified as fuck to get old and die. But I’m working on it, and that’s a part of marriage. You work on things, and you get better for the sake of the other person, because you don’t want to lose them. 

“I can’t lose you, Sangyeon. I can’t. I’ll never find someone like you, and I don’t want to have to try. You’re the most spectacular man I’ve ever met, and I love you.” Juyeon’s grilled cheese lay half uneaten still, and Sangyeon still hadn’t touched his. Too many emotions swirled around in his head.

The biggest one was relief. Relief that maybe he and Juyeon wouldn’t have to get divorced, that maybe he and Juyeon would be able to have happiness again, that maybe he wouldn’t lose Juyeon. 

Anger was the next biggest thing. Five months, Juyeon watched Sangyeon suffer. Five months he had to deal with heartbreak and loss, and confusion. Five months, Sangyeon went without answers. Not to mention the fact that Juyeon  _ technically  _ fucking cheated on Sangyeon. Divorce process or not. Anger at the bills, at the lawyers, and the horrible amount of work they had to put in to this entire fucking process.

Confusion swirled about in his head too. There were too many more questions. Was this a ploy? Some bullshit excuse to get Sangyeon back? Why had Juyeon chosen  _ now _ to come out with all this? Was it because Sangyeon caught him with Chanhee? Was Sangyeon just being played? Most of this seemed unlikely, because Sangyeon had said it himself. He’d spent thirteen years with Juyeon, he knew when Juyeon was lying. But of course, Juyeon had never told him he met Chanhee. Juyeon hadn’t told him about his fear. 

Then there was sadness, just the slightest bit of it, that he couldn’t have helped Juyeon with any of this. That he hadn’t known about any of this, that this couldn’t have been prevented by Sangyeon

Regret for the stupid shit Sangyeon pulled, with the box.

Hope, for their potential future.

Silence fills the space between them, and it’s suffocating. Juyeon clears his throat after a few more minutes. “I- thank you for dinner, Sangyeon. Please, I truly am sorry. I- I’ll answer any questions you have, but I can see you’re still processing. We- we have a finalization meeting with the lawyers in three days, and- and I don’t want to go through with it anymore. I know that- you’ll probably- not after all this shit- you’ll probably want to finalize it, but… the decision is yours. I’m leaving your ring, and- this is stupid, probably- if you don’t want to go through with it, wear it to the meeting. And we can call it all off. Renew our vows, maybe, instead. It is our tenth anniversary, after all. Fuck, I’m sorry Sangyeon. I’ll get out of your hair.”

Juyeon stands up, and pulls a tiny velvet box out of his pocket, setting it on the table before Sangyeon, and walks out. Sangyeon doesn’t even blink when the door closes. 

Fucking shit, Sangyeon had a lot of thinking to do. 

Sangyeon wears the ring, after much deliberation.  _ Much _ deliberation. 

Juyeon notices immediately at the meeting with the lawyers. “Mr. Kim, Mr. Heo. We would like to call it off.”

Younghoon blinks. “What?”

“The divorce. We’re not going through with it.” Sangyeon chimes in. “We’ve decided that  _ marriage counseling _ is the way to go.” Sangyeon gives a pointed look at Juyeon, who catches on, and nods frantically. 

“Yes. We will call you if we need you in the future. I will be setting any bills with both of you.” Juyeon says.

“Thank you. Good luck in counseling. I hope you both find what you’re looking for.” Hyunjoon gives Sangyeon a small smile, and informs Juyeon that he’ll be sending out the billing information. The two of them leave the office, and head for the parking lot. 

“You mean it?” Juyeon breathes out a sigh, happiness flooding his system. He bounces excitedly, and grins at Sangyeon, babbling about getting their vows renewed, and everything being normal again. 

“Yes I fucking mean it. But, I have a lot of questions, and I meant it when I said marriage counselling. I realized that you hid a lot from me- and you hid it well. And I don’t like that, because I’m an open book with you. And you’re going to keep going to your therapist, and- and things won’t be exactly like they were before. I- I’m still processing, and- and while I missed you like fucking crazy- I want my Juyeon back, the happy one. The one before you had your whole crisis. I realized a change in the air, looking back on it. You weren’t perky and happy and I was blind to that, and I blame myself for that part.” Sangyeon says. “I’m not object to renewing our vows, but not until  _ after _ we are living under the same roof again and finished with our marriage counselling. And this is all so long as you’ve banished that- that Chanhee from your life completely.”

“Of course, Sangyeon. None of that is unreasonable.”

So Sangyeon hadn’t lost Juyeon completely. So things weren’t fixed. But that required time, because only time can heal the deepest wounds. 

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, follow me on Twitter I guess, I'm @vernons_buffalo  
I yell about kpop on there so 
> 
> (also if any of y'all are waiting on part 3 of Light, it IS coming, before the end of September)


End file.
